February 5th Friday

The first discussion we ever had with Sofie's surgeon when he gave us the diagnosis was his recounting of a story of another one of his patients. After her surgery and imminent return back to chemo she said, "I would rather die than go back to one more chemo treatment." As with several things he told us, I was not only surprised at what he chose to share but at his candor as well. Being the type of person I am, I definately appreciated his direct style of honesty, but often times I couldnt believe what he was saying or that he didnt have the least inclination to sugar coat.

Sofie had one of those nights last night that reminded me with full force that the "medicine" her body is receiving in fact threatens her internal organs and life itself. Her suffering got so bad that at one point she turned to her Dad and asked him if this was what dying felt like. Anyone who knows Sofie knows that if she asked such a question, she genuinely wanted to know. She required more morphine last night than she ever has. By 2 am she was drifting to sleep.

Sofie has tolerated chemo better than I could have ever hoped and yet on a night like last night, we are humbled and keenly aware of the ugliness of cancer and the barbaric nature of its treatment. Sof feels better this morning. She feels relaxed and at peace. And so goes the highs and lows of this ultimately spiritual ride. Sofie is in good hands medically. She is also in Gods hands and is very aware of that. How is it possible to feel grateful through this? Many times this is my question. But God is in charge and everyday is another submission to Him and an attestment to His role. It's good for Him to be the orchestrator. That, I can be grateful for.

Bonnie

Bonnie